Messed, My head is

I awake to sterile white halls
The blurred vision of a document in my hands
With the echo of a gasp, the whisper of distraught
Feeling the outline of your name
My mouth turns salty and dry, as
With a waft of dry blood,
Cringing up my nose

It cannot be what I fear most...
Thank the lord, it was only a nightmare.

An experience of pathetic fallacy

I look outside at the trees and small plants in bloom
Brown all over, but with green leaves sprouting too
The brush full of death
The canopy above is rife with life
The sun trumps over all, casting an orange glow
Only on the top half of the wood, creating
An uneasiness as day transitions into night
Feeling empty inside, like the wood before me
Only half filled with the orange light
Soon all of the wood will fall into darkness
With the cool winds flowing through it

At least the woods are whole again
However not I, no sunset
Is going to make me whole tonight.

Worn and Torn

Impenetrable reflections on mirrors
All around me, watching my every error
No matter how many I eliminate
There is another I must eradicate...

Each with it's own face
Similar, but not the same
Portraying actions, or
Thoughts never shown

I see myself in these mirrors
Creating within an unimaginable terror
The fears of what if or what was wrong
Hopes and dreams, made in one mold
Now smelted away to create another, or
Left as scrap to be claimed later
Destroyed by these sated mirrors

The strength for fighting has left
Yet I keep on fighting an infinite enemy
Destroying me, one way or another
It seems when the last of my hope
Is over, only then I can rest among these mirrors
Forever...

Wishing That I Never Dreamed

The moments before I dreamed to sleep,

I was angry, upset and mad

Making life the worst kind of living...

The dream took me by surprise

Creating a joy so great,

I must have been living

It wasn't without a journey on it's own,

A sadness mingled as I discovered you all alone

You confessed how you had hated me all these years

How my hopes and dreams, dashed, betrayed 

And wasted by your own hand.

My guardian angels, always so kind

They allowed me to cry without judgement,

Embracing me in an endless light; until

They came...

People came and wasted that emotion,

They put you in danger, my love for you

Rose and surged within my person

I was unafraid and I embraced you, as

As the world stormed around us,

Together we dangled in the wind when all else,

Had failed to stay together or tethered

Afterwards, it was too late

My grudge came and I was determined

To leave you forever, but you stayed

I stayed with you, only bitterness in my mouth

However you loved me then, I gave in and loved back

I conjured non-magical jewelry,

Accessories cheap, you still

Embraced me, with so little strength

I lifted you, and spun you in the air

You were as light as a feather

We then kissed, I remember every detail

As if it were real, my life at that moment

Was joyous ecstasy, your lips soft

Inviting, we fell backwards and rolled down green

Lush hills with summer air and...

I woke, crying, "No! Why! I wanted more!"

Alas, I realized that was a dream

I could not ever dream...

Franken-spider man I released

The spider, so terrifying in appearance
In name it is cursed, no one
Pities, or sings of spiders in songs
Instead they are used, and killed
A misunderstood monster, captured
Cornered and to be killed.
Today I released that spider into the woods
Where the trillium is already in bloom,
It blends with the fallen clutter,
Not even a blight upon the beautiful garden,
Where I let loose a monster.

Tabula Rasa

A wave of anxiety, crashes

Over my nerves, like an ocean

Over a lowered sea wall.

Barely kept out, it stays within

Until the ocean it left behind.

Dries within my person.

When that ocean is gone, it leaves

Fear, a fear of losing... something.

It looks strange, perhaps it's what I

Never or will ever have.

The thought of it permeates through my pores,

Seeping deeper into my skin.

An infection, it cannot go away overnight.

The bottle of penicillin is gone, stolen

Away into the night never to be seen.

Where is my salvation?

I've got friends standing with me,

To talk about things, creating unwanted pain.

Yet, it may be the only way, slowly

Progress is made; To live in peace away,

From what I created.

Feeling nothing, but the soft scented warmth,

Of lighted candles on my path.

One Look

I can't believe it, like watching a man walking on water.
I built a wall, a palisade that reached the sky.
A castle behind me, hard cold stone like a shell.
These all fell before me as I watched, the palisade on fire,
The castle crushed beneath your feet.

A single look from your eyes, they
Entranced my being, blessed away to oblivion.
It was not you that broke my guard;
It was I, that broke them for you.

Swearing oaths, they are just words.
Actions speak on their own,
My actions tell everyone that my oaths,
That these oaths mean nothing.

A new oath can be sworn in the morning,
The real question is how long until I break it.
The answer, is when I look upon your eyes again.
I will break these oaths every time.

Just How!

Oh shaving, what a wonder it was.
Too be able to use my first razor,
Cutting the peach fuzz from my lips.
The scented shaving cream, on my face.
The lick of a cold sharp blade, on my skin.
The comfort of a barbers touch, with his
Tool of the trade.

I used to love shaving...
When it was once a month.
Soon it turned into once every 2 weeks.
Every weekend, then turned into every day.
Whence it became every day,
Shaving I hate you.

Your becoming such a chore,
I wake up every morning with a baby
Fu Manchu growing blessedly on my face.
Every morning I have to go and cut it off,
Yet it's persistent and comes back very next morning.

Girls, I know that you shave or you wax.
Whatever, I only shave my face. Period.
I'm annoyed at this chore already, how does the opposite sex
Deal with the rest of the body?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

I love you ( _____ )

I bring you everywhere with me,
I listen to you all the time.
I can read what you say,
I can search into you and more.

I carry you on my back,
Opening doors for you
Closing them behind us both.
You help me study too,
My research has never been the same
Without you.

Remember that time when you were hurt?
I carried you from the ground,
Brought you to a place, safe.
My iPad 2, you know I love you.
I will always love you, until I ditch you.

Birth of the thoughts

Why oh why do I write my blog?
Besides the lights, wizzing and buzzing.
M'head did not dictate my first words,
It was from the depths of my heart.

Some problems change, some problems stay the same.
Nothing ever really changes, in the end.
Common themes are recurrent,
Writing styles too.
Better or worse,
you decide as the audience at hand.

What exactly was held in my heart?
What is held in the depths of all hearts?
A dirty little secret, dreams, love, and many more!
All things to write about in truth,
But what made me start this blog?
Some problems change, some stay the same.
Nothing is ever the same, but something is different.

Now this blogs purpose I feel,
Will soon end it's life.
As my beating of heart, my pulsing thoughts.
Come to a near end, with death comes life.

Rebirth I hope, will steer this blogs posts.
Towards greener pastures.
Though today, is not that day.

Missing Something

It will be better, if you and I
Snuffed out this flame that I have.
Because, no matter where I go

I will always be watching over you.

Clearing the paths that you will go,

Drying puddles and putting out danger.

I will always follow you,
With no hope for myself but all for you.
No matter how you see me,
I never see you differently.
Always close to my heart, special.

I know that fighting is useless,
"Move on," I tell myself.
Too bad, I just gave my life to her.
When I think of her, did she ever think of me?
I know that she doesn't care about me at all.
So my sacrifices grew less over years,
But I grew more willing without complaint.
Finding only a shell of joy in your presence.
An addicting shell, that left me wanting more.

I, just don't want to let you know
Why I would follow you around the world.
Instead, I rather die, and disappear.
With no trace, I would like to think I did something
Useful to someone for once, before I flew into the wind.
Yet, I can't let go and fly into that wind.

Too late, I gave another part of myself to you.

I find myself, missing my own soul.